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b Saturday, February 7, 2009 a

Recently i felt that i'm not belong in this family anymore. Everything starts to change. Quarrel and disputes everywhere and then. Things started to change so fast that i could ever imagine. I tried really hard to understand them but it seems not to work. When i'm helpless and in need of someone close to help me, no one in my family stood by me.

Even when i talked to them about things and stuffs, they will give me an attitude that even a baby get pissed off. They will even say i'm the one who give them attitude. I really dont know what to do but to give in. I even try to use the magic word "Please" and un-attitude words to talk to them. But they still say i'm so and so.

I think this was started 3 years back when i'm a non-Christian. When i wanted to convert to a Christian, they showed me the unpleasant face that i dont want to see. But they still let me do it. I'm so happy that time. The expo service times, going out with cellgroup times, having fun. But when i get home, it seems so different already. I started to pray that time, but my gap between my family are getting wider and longer.

The gap started to build up and i'm really dont know what to do. I started to be angry at anything my parents & my bro said. Until that time, when i swore to myself that i will never get angry again, things started to pick up well and we went out together a few times. I really miss the days where i'm together with my family but i think that will never come back again.

For one time, my dad even thought that Christianity is all about work. I will always remember what he said to me" Church no need every week go ma, tell them you next week then go lor." I totally pissed and started to quarrel with him. I started to change myself last year till now that i will leave the church once the service is over and find my family for dinner or something. But when i reached home, they already left.

Normally my church service ended on 5.30pm and my family went out to eat on 5.20pm++. So i told them that if they could wait a while for me and we shall go together. But they never waited and exclaimed they are hungry. I was saying to myself "Cant they just wait a few mins?" Now i feel that i can no longer talk to my parents and So i talked to my bro about this. Though he said that he is not standing on either side. He talks to me the same as my parents. Getting religion-ist and try to convince me that i will let them and not talk back. Again, i convinced back my bro that i'm not trying to cut away my family for Christianity. But nothing seems to work.

I just wish in the bottom of my heart that they will trust and believe me more. This is all i wanted. I believed one day one of these 2 things will be separated from me. I really admired other converted Christian families that they can be able to get both stuffs together. I just wanted to be myself and thats all. To my family. F.A.M.I.LY (Father and Mother I love you).



and i'm dreaming of paradise
10:52 PM